Honesty Hour: Holidays, Traditions, & Loss

Honesty Hour: This has been the most difficult holiday season. I’ve lost 3 grandparents in 4 years. I have officially lost a whole set of grandparents. I’ve experienced 3 holiday seasons fresh off the loss of a grandparent, but this one was the worst.

It was full of changes (which I am notorious for not being good at). It was about shifting traditions & making the most of it. I am a lover of tradition & the last 4 years (5 if you include the year my cousin got married) those traditions have fallen away completely or have shifted.

This year, instead of solely focusing on (& being bummed over) the loss of loved ones & traditions, I decided to be grateful for what I do get (I prefer to focus on the positives) and that is spending time with the family that’s still here regardless of the “tradition”: whose house, what we eat, what day we gather. Because that’s what it’s about right? Spending time with family & celebrating the season? I think so.

That tiny shift – of letting go of (some) tradition – helped me enjoy the season so much more. We celebrated Christmas with both sides of the family on two different days & both were equally wonderful. As wonderful as it could be in the face of all of the loss over the last few years.

When I looked at the gift tag for one of my gifts, it just said “From: Grammy” & I felt this twinge & thought, briefly, how freaking weird it is to not see Pa’s name next to hers.

Macy gave me a charm for my charm bracelet this year. I have quite a few including one that represents both of my grandfathers. After the loss of my grandmother in July, I wanted/needed one to represent her, too. I was not expecting to receive that charm & was completely caught off guard & overwhelmed & immediately started crying upon seeing the charm that my sister decided on just for me.

There are some moments where it feels like we’ve found our new groove & new “normal” & then there are others like the one with the gift tag & the charm that reminds you of how odd it is & how off everything feels without them.

I won’t lie: I was worried about how both Christmas celebrations were going to go. Would it be awkward? Would it feel like there was a gaping hole? Would we all be tip-toeing around it (the loss)? Would it be a happy celebration & get together? Would there be joy? I didn’t know. But I do now.

It wasn’t awkward. There was no tip-toeing around the loss of my grandparents. There were moments, & at one point, a few hours for me, of what felt like a gaping hole. But there was happiness & laughter & joy as we all came together.

There’s a photo of me on Christmas Day when I was in the 6^th grade and I have to say, it’s one of my favorite photos of myself because I am full of joy & it is 100% palpable in that photo. I hung it up in my room for the holidays & on Christmas Eve, I prayed that I would feel happy just like I did in that photo. That there would be joy on Christmas Day.

And let me tell you, God answered that prayer. There were a couple of moments of sadness but there were also moments of great joy and happiness. I mean, ridiculous joy, could just about match the photo from 12 years ago — & over pajama pants, no less. (Pajamas are one of the ways to my heart.) I ended last night feeling peace.

I didn’t know if this holiday season should just be marked down as a “loss” due to all of the loss but I don’t think it should be. Duality is a part of mine & my family’s life now and I think this year and this holiday season was a prime example of that. So while there was plenty of sadness this season, there was also joy and happiness. This season was not a loss. It was just a new way of living for us in the face of grief.

With this being my 4^th year with an incomplete family & it being the holiday season where I’ve struggled the most, I don’t believe the loss will get easier or the gaping holes will cease to exist. But I do believe that happiness & joy & peace – even if it’s just brief moments – exist at the holidays even after multiple losses.

Love,